When Writing Feels Like a Dragon

When you close Tolkien’s Lord of the Rings or when you shut the door to the wardrobe and leave Narnia behind, never do you think about the fear that the authors tackled to make those ideas into stories. My first thought after finishing Hope’s The Prisoner of Zenda was not, “It took a lot of courage to write that.”

My friend recently told me, “For the first time in years, I have been considering trying to write again. I have pieces of a story now, but most of it is still just in my head. This probably sounds dumb, but I’m actually scared to write it down. I know it won’t turn out perfectly right the first time, and I guess I’m afraid I won’t be able to write with…incredible talent.”

It’s not dumb. Fear is a daily struggle for writers, and I guarantee you there were times that Tolkien, Lewis, and Hope were terrified that what they were about to write was stupid, uninteresting, or that no one would like it.

So much of my procrastination when it comes to writing is that I’m afraid. I know what needs to be put down on the paper, but I don’t have the perfect words to say it in. I know what I see in my head, but I don’t know how to write it. I know that this chapter is the climax, but I’m afraid that it won’t be big enough.

As I wrote to the first critic I ever had, concerning the climax to my first novel, “I was nervous to write this chapter. I stalled for a while on my first day of writing it, because I was scared that I wouldn’t be able to top off my culminating events in a satisfactory way. I wasn’t sure if it would be enough of a ‘peak’ to my book…”

I also told her (concerning the same novel), “Every chapter of this book was literally prayed over, because there were times—every week, I think—that I didn’t think I could do it, or I was stalling, or braindead, or scared, or something.”

You know the weird thing? She told me she could relate. She has a novel that she’s been writing off and on for the past ten years (eight at the time), has helped dozens of writers through critiquing, and works for (in my opinion) the most awesome writing group to exist. She has amazing advice, understands writing in a way that only time and practice can teach, yet she still struggles with fear.

“When I face the desolate impossibility of writing 500 pages, a sick sense of failure falls on me, and I know I can never do it. Then gradually, I write one page and then another. One day’s works is all I can permit myself to contemplate.” - John Steinbeck

Fear in writing is a real thing. It’s a real dragon. It’s not dumb. Maybe you knew all this already, but if you aren’t heavily involved in a writing community, it can feel like the struggles you deal with are unique to you. Chances are—they aren’t. I know published writers still struggle, because I have had the opportunity to hear them speak and share how they procrastinate, even at 30+ years old and having multiple books in the market.

Fear rules people. The fear to fail. The fear to look dumb in front of someone else. The fear to make the wrong decision. We live in an imperfect culture that demands perfection. We’re expected to get it right, and there’s no room for grace.

It’s the reason that I hesitated in taking my first job. I work in a financial coaching office, and I was afraid to fail at it. I was afraid to mess up paperwork. I’m still afraid “I won’t get it.”

My boss told me that he wants me to have the freedom to fail. He wants me to have the freedom to come up with ideas to improve our team, even if some of the ideas are bad ones. In his view, if we come up with nine bad ideas to get one good one, then so be it.

Becoming okay with failure is freeing. Being okay with failure doesn’t mean we should stay there, though. Failure is a teacher. We need to be willing to learn from it and try again, even if the next try flops, and the next, and the next. Failure is okay, if you keep working to make it right. We can fear, but we cannot be ruled by it.

I don’t like the word “fearless.” To me, fearless doesn’t exist except in the scope of being God. I prefer the word “courageous.” John Wayne said, “Courage is being scared to death, but saddling up anyway.”

So, its okay to be scared to write, but do it anyway. Think of any book that you’ve read that has touched your life, made you a better person, or changed you for good permanently. Then remember that the author moved forward through his or her fear to make that story. Don’t underestimate your writing. Who might it change if you push through your fear?

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“Courage is being scared to death, but saddling up anyway.”

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