My Present Fight

Photo by Matthew Henry on Unsplash

Writing is hard. I’ve been struggling a lot lately, so I’m going to use this post to be real with what’s going on with me, as well as sharing some of the feelings I’ve been dealing with in writing. Maybe you’ll relate.

I blog a lot about discipline. But I feel I’ve been slipping. My daily workout hasn’t been daily. My daily writing hasn’t been daily. I’ve not worked faithfully on a novel since May. I’ve been procrastinating on my current project. I’m tired, unmotivated, and overwhelmed. I’ve been failing a lot, but not failing well because I feel guilty instead of getting up and going again. I’m trying to juggle summer life with finding a routine, brief sickness and letting myself recoup, and fear of writing with trying to convince myself to do it anyway.

I feel like a hypocrite in what I’ve blogged about over the last year. Am I just talking? Or am I walking?

Starting my next novel, set in WWI, has been a huge battle for me, and one that I’ve let myself mostly lose. I’ve been thinking and talking about this novel for a year now. And yet I’ve not written one chapter. There are deep themes that I want to weave into it, but I’m terrified to see it come out preachy. I feel like I’ve not lived enough to know what I’m talking about. I’m overwhelmed by the amount of research that I must do. I don’t feel like I’ll ever do the war (or any war) or its soldiers justice.

I ask myself, “Why the heck did you think that you liked writing historical fiction?” I’ve told myself, “You don’t know what you’re doing. You don’t belong as a historical fiction war novelist. You aren’t a military writer.”

At a writers’ workshop this past summer, Steve Laube wisely told me, “If you don’t get it right, they [military service members] will crucify you.”

He wasn’t disrespecting the Armed Forces. He was reminding me to write with the upmost reverence and care for the details that real people have lived and seen, to portray truth, not my own ideas. But am I just building my own cross?

I’ve gone back to baby steps. Last week, I set a goal of a mere 200 words for the week, which is low for me, especially when earlier this year I worked on 800 words per day.

I feel guilty for wanting to write a story that takes place in the common setting of WWI trenches instead of something a little more unique like, say, WWI Africa. I’ve forgotten that I can write more than one WWI book if I want to. I see all the research that I have to do with this novel, and I start thinking about the loads of research that my Vietnam War novel needs, after I happily plunged into ignorantly writing whatever I wanted about it four years ago. My mind is unfocused.

I feel like screaming, “WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME?”

Ya’ll, I’m weak. I’m just a person. Why am I writing this? Partly because I need to get it out. Partly because I need to be honest with you about what life looks like for me right now. And partly because you need to know it’s okay if you feel like this too.

Honestly, I don’t know what to do about it. I’m so afraid to write right now; I’m afraid to get the details wrong. I’ve frozen instead of moving forward.

One of the biggest helps to me has come in the form of a fellow writer and acquaintance of mine named Timothy. Every week, he asks, “Did you get any writing done?” or “How many words will you write this week? Think you can do 1,000?”

And I push him back. “How much did you get done? Did you hit the 200 word-count goal?” or “Did you get a chance to write yet today?”

Timothy reminds me about this handy thing called “revision” which basically lets you write junk in the first draft and come back and make it better the second time around. :) He’s helped me start this new novel by telling me to just. go. do. it. 

And right now, I guess that’s what I need. God didn’t create people to do things alone. We need accountability. We aren’t strong on our own.

If you’re struggling right now with writing, find someone who can come alongside you and push you, encourage you, and someone who you can help back. Maybe you should be the one to initiate the help.

I’m still scared. I’m still overwhelmed. But at least I have someone to push me forward anyway. Who is that person for you?

If you don’t have an accountability partner, comment below and I’d be happy to chat and encourage you in your project. And I’d appreciate the motivation from you!

Thanks for reading. :)

…

“Arise, for this matter is your responsibility. We are also with you. Be of good courage, and do it.” – Ezra 10:4 Scripture taken from the New King James Version®. © 1982 by Thomas Nelson, Inc. Used by permission. All rights reserved.  

…